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ENRON EXPLAINED
Feudalism.
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism.
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and
sells you the milk.
Communism.
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.
Capitalism.
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron.
You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two
cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the
rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap
goes below $20B at a rate two times prime. You now sell three
cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk
rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder
who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your
independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press
release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will
begin trading cows via the internet site COW (cows on web). I am
sure you now fully understand what happened.
Japanese Banks
You have two cows. One is dead, but you pretend that you still
have two.
You plan to merge another company who is said to have three cows.
The news release says the new company owns five cows, but in fact
there are only two because two are already dead and one is a
mad-cow. You sell the mad cow to Yuki-jirushi. Investors are
suspicious and analysts insist that public cows are needed, but
FSA denies.
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THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT
MAKES...
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it
to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down
the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100
years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break
for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks
like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for
storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A NATIVE AMERICAN CORPORATION
You had two cows. The government takes them and your land. Then
you think that they gave the cows back to you but can't tell for
sure because you are falling down drunk outside your casino.
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back
to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the
United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows.
You are surprised when the cow dropsdead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called "Cowkimon"
and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
A PORTUGUESE CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
the newsman who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.
IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. They argue over:
(i) who was in field first;
(ii) which farm they belong to; and
(iii) who's to blame for Foot and Mouth epidemic of 1963 that
wiped out 50 per cent of the cows in Ireland.
They are shot by the IRA for supplying milk to the British army.
You go back to eating potatoes.
OR
You have two cows.
You get pissed one day on the way to the fair and trade them for
a bag of magic beans.
You sober up and realise your mistake.
You blame the British.
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